Things I Hate - This One is for You, Daniel Tosh

If you watch Tosh.0, you know what this post it is about. If you don’t watch Tosh.0, re-evaluate your life, more specifically your Tuesday at 10 PM Eastern Standard Time DVR timeslot.

Anyway, shame for having possibly having friends that miss that happy half hour of my life each week and more importantly the genius life guidance of the one and only Daniel Tosh aside, I will explain to/remind you all what I am talking about.

A month or two ago (or maybe more, given we watch Tosh completely out of order in our apartment, as it is the ONLY show we choose to record both new AND repeat episodes), Tosh went on a hilarious diatribe listing off all of the things in the world he hates. More importantly, he encouraged all of his messed-up fans around the country to make their own videos of them rattling off the random things in life that drive them nuts. A few of them made some pretty stellar points, and if I felt like being unoriginal I would include many on my own list. But, since for once I don’t (I say that while sitting in my cookie cutter corporate cubicle, with my blackberry and ipod touch surrounding me, wearing an Express black pencil skirt and Zara ruffled blouse, nearly wreaking of Burberry Britt perfume…i.e. there is nothing original about me right now, but we’ll let that go), here is a list (definitely incomplete) of things I hate:

• Sauerkraut

• Little white dogs

• When the weather forecast says 100% “Chance” of rain (100% is not a probability – just say it’s going to rain)

• Inefficiency

• Little grey dogs

• Wrinkles in my clothes that are completely unavoidable with a job where you sit at a desk for 8 – 15 hours a day

• Ironing

• Wrinkle-Free clothes you still have to iron

• When you wave someone on at a stop sign and they hesitate, finally go, and then stop in the middle

• Pretty much all little dogs

• Celebrity drama updates

• Babies/little kids, specifically belonging to people I don’t know and whom arguably shouldn’t parent

• TV shows about babies

• TV shows about families with a bazillion kids

• The school busses without noses

• Ohio State

• People from Ohio State who call it “THE” Ohio State

• Air quotations

• When people take the elevator on their way back from the gym in our 5-story building

• Mondays

• Quasi-silent laughter that I know makes the neighborhood dogs cringe

• When people have to act like they forgot something, look at their watch, throw up their hands or something before doing an about face on the street and walking back the way they came

• The DMV

• That canned peaches are considered a fancy dessert in Spain and they act all proud when they serve it to you. Thanks, but I’ve been eating that joke food in school lunches since I was 4. And before that, I ate it as baby food.

• The fact that the Post Uptown Leasing Office/Mail Room has normal business hours

• Working during all normal business hours

• The hiccups

• Channel 14 Carolina and the fact that it is our default channel

• Rain

• Slutty work clothes and when girls are clearly getting away with wearing them

• When people wear multiple sweatbands into the gym and work out for 8-10 minutes

• People who hard-core rep random sports teams for no apparent reason

• Rye bread

• That Christmas stores even exist year-round. Take a hint from Halloween stores, it’s not necessary.

• When people call beer “empty calories”. Unless its referring to the feeling you get the next morning, I’m pretty sure we all know what the purpose of those calories was.

• Couples that sit on the same side of the table during dates

• Smart Cars in the America

• The fact that the Three-Martini Lunch concept died before women were allowed in the workplace

• Tiny bath towels

• Getting countless embossed colored pamphlets from my alma-mater asking for money that arguably cost more to print and send than I can afford to donate

• The fact that unicorns don’t exist

• Really flat pillows

• Arby’s calling its roast beef sandwich a burger

• When I answer “You, too!” to taxi drivers when they tell me to have a nice flight or waitresses when they tell me to enjoy my meal

• Street corner evangelists

• TV evangelists

• Evangelists

• That Groupon sends its emails between 4 and 8 AM

• When you think its Thursday but it’s really Wednesday

• When really, really short men hit on me

• Being an accountant

….and I will quit now before this becomes a short story. I promise I’m not really a hateful person…I think.

If anyone reads this and wants to add their own, the comment button is all yours!