If you watch Tosh.0, you know what this post it is about. If you don’t watch Tosh.0, re-evaluate your life, more specifically your Tuesday at 10 PM Eastern Standard Time DVR timeslot.
Anyway, shame for having possibly having friends that miss that happy half hour of my life each week and more importantly the genius life guidance of the one and only Daniel Tosh aside, I will explain to/remind you all what I am talking about.
A month or two ago (or maybe more, given we watch Tosh completely out of order in our apartment, as it is the ONLY show we choose to record both new AND repeat episodes), Tosh went on a hilarious diatribe listing off all of the things in the world he hates. More importantly, he encouraged all of his messed-up fans around the country to make their own videos of them rattling off the random things in life that drive them nuts. A few of them made some pretty stellar points, and if I felt like being unoriginal I would include many on my own list. But, since for once I don’t (I say that while sitting in my cookie cutter corporate cubicle, with my blackberry and ipod touch surrounding me, wearing an Express black pencil skirt and Zara ruffled blouse, nearly wreaking of Burberry Britt perfume…i.e. there is nothing original about me right now, but we’ll let that go), here is a list (definitely incomplete) of things I hate:
• Sauerkraut
• Little white dogs
• When the weather forecast says 100% “Chance” of rain (100% is not a probability – just say it’s going to rain)
• Inefficiency
• Little grey dogs
• Wrinkles in my clothes that are completely unavoidable with a job where you sit at a desk for 8 – 15 hours a day
• Ironing
• Wrinkle-Free clothes you still have to iron
• When you wave someone on at a stop sign and they hesitate, finally go, and then stop in the middle
• Pretty much all little dogs
• Celebrity drama updates
• Babies/little kids, specifically belonging to people I don’t know and whom arguably shouldn’t parent
• TV shows about babies
• TV shows about families with a bazillion kids
• The school busses without noses
• Ohio State
• People from Ohio State who call it “THE” Ohio State
• Air quotations
• When people take the elevator on their way back from the gym in our 5-story building
• Mondays
• Quasi-silent laughter that I know makes the neighborhood dogs cringe
• When people have to act like they forgot something, look at their watch, throw up their hands or something before doing an about face on the street and walking back the way they came
• The DMV
• That canned peaches are considered a fancy dessert in Spain and they act all proud when they serve it to you. Thanks, but I’ve been eating that joke food in school lunches since I was 4. And before that, I ate it as baby food.
• The fact that the Post Uptown Leasing Office/Mail Room has normal business hours
• Working during all normal business hours
• The hiccups
• Channel 14 Carolina and the fact that it is our default channel
• Rain
• Slutty work clothes and when girls are clearly getting away with wearing them
• When people wear multiple sweatbands into the gym and work out for 8-10 minutes
• People who hard-core rep random sports teams for no apparent reason
• Rye bread
• That Christmas stores even exist year-round. Take a hint from Halloween stores, it’s not necessary.
• When people call beer “empty calories”. Unless its referring to the feeling you get the next morning, I’m pretty sure we all know what the purpose of those calories was.
• Couples that sit on the same side of the table during dates
• Smart Cars in the America
• The fact that the Three-Martini Lunch concept died before women were allowed in the workplace
• Tiny bath towels
• Getting countless embossed colored pamphlets from my alma-mater asking for money that arguably cost more to print and send than I can afford to donate
• The fact that unicorns don’t exist
• Really flat pillows
• Arby’s calling its roast beef sandwich a burger
• When I answer “You, too!” to taxi drivers when they tell me to have a nice flight or waitresses when they tell me to enjoy my meal
• Street corner evangelists
• TV evangelists
• Evangelists
• That Groupon sends its emails between 4 and 8 AM
• When you think its Thursday but it’s really Wednesday
• When really, really short men hit on me
• Being an accountant
….and I will quit now before this becomes a short story. I promise I’m not really a hateful person…I think.
If anyone reads this and wants to add their own, the comment button is all yours!
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Where do I Sign Up for That??
Sorry readers one and two, I know it has been forever since I updated this blog. This is probably because nothing exciting happens in the life of a public accountant. However, there is one thing I spend a great deal of my time as a public accountant doing: Thinking of what I would rather have as a career other than public accounting. The list is extremely long and includes the whole spectrum from zookeeper (preferably in the penguin-care unit) to accidental princess (a concept I both love and do not currently have the energy to explain in full), however, of late I have started noting some jobs that are not only more interesting than public accounting (not tough to do) but also extremely easy, and probably high-paying.
For example, I was sitting in a cliché American food restaurant a few months ago staring into space, when I realized I was actually making direct eye contact with an enormous alligator. Because I live in America where it is common knowledge that if you walk into a O’Charley’s, Applebee’s, Chili’s, Bennigan’s, Max&Erma’s, TGI Friday’s, or any other restaurant of the like, the walls WILL be covered with random paraphernalia from who-knows-where-and-when, this really didn’t concern me so I simply mentally congratulated the alligator for winning our staring contest (a la Will Farrall as Robert Goulet, of course), and rejoined whatever social setting I was in.
But THEN, I snapped back to the alligator. I understood that the alligator was there because previous to its existence on the wall there had been a gap in the random shit about the size of an alligator, but it struck me that still someone had to be responsible for purchasing it, and deciding to go with an alligator and not a crocodile or even a toboggan for that matter.
Now, THIS was a job that I wanted. There had to be absolutely zero stress associated with being the person who chooses and purchases random shit to put on walls of new American food restaurants. First, you can buy ANYTHING you want – there are no requirements and how would you ever go over budget when all of it is completely junk? I can only assume the everyday trials and tribulations of the job go something like this:
“Oh, they didn’t have a toy tractor for that space over booth seven? It’s ok! I’ll just hang up a roller skate and a picture of someone’s grandpa holding a fish!”
or..
“See what I did there? That’s FOUR horseshoes over the bar. I put up three originally but I really think the little brass one adds a nice touch. It was ten cents extra at the flea market but I thought, ‘What the Hell, right?’”
The fact that there has to be someone that flies around the country prior to the openings of these places and determines that yes, when the lovely citizens of Cedar Falls, Iowa would love to have a canoe suspended over their heads when they enter Bennigan’s Store #418 infuriates me – not because I don’t see the odd purpose to this job, but because I’m angry that it never occurred to me as a possible career path. Is it too late to give back my accounting degree? ‘Cause I’m guessing that, to become a Random Wall Shit Procurer, you don’t have to pass four extremely difficult 3-4 hour exams, pass a bogus ethics course, and work for a year under another certified Random Wall Shit Procurer….
Ok, enough about that. This brings me to the next career I really wish I had considered before sitting through an 8 AM Accounting for Derivatives class for 6 weeks. Last night, I was watching American Idol and drinking a rather delicious 2009 Pinot Gris from Washington State called “BoomTown” with Tiffany, when I realized that the wine was not rather delicious at all, it was EXTREMELY delicious.
Obviously, I had to read the bottle further to figure out more information about this fairy juice. This is word-for-word what was written on BoomTown’s 2009 label:
“Listen and hear the heady rush of rhythm and a passionate back beat sounding loudly from the unique vineyards of Washington State. It’s our calling to capture the distinct movement of quality and pride inside every bottle and deliver an experience to savor. Can you taste it? This is Boomtown.”
WHAT? Last time I checked, grapes didn’t have passionate back beats. Is there a reggae band permanently stationed between vines 16 and 17 creating the “heady rush of rhythm” found in every bottle of Boomtown? Who writes this stuff?!?
The correct answer to that question is: Not me. But believe me, if I could make a living coming up with bull shit about drumming pinot grapes, I’d turn in my KPMG security badge right now.
Moving on…. About three weeks ago I was assigned to do a Q1 review of a corporation that sells colors to clothing and textile companies. They create new hues using a specific formula of dyes and chemicals and then sell both the formula and the dyes to customers. As this was my first time auditing a company such as this, I requested a tour of the facilities. To make a long story short, there was this room filled with racks and racks of little pieces of cloth in every color imaginable (and some I honestly hadn’t ever taken the time to imagine). There must have been at least ten thousand colors, and these were just the ones on hold for just two companies! Most importantly, every single color was NAMED. Someone had to come up with “Galapagos Tortoise Green”. That’s all I’m saying.
So this got me thinking, there must be infinitely many easy jobs that pay about as much and cause a fraction of the stress that my job does out there. So I did some research:
Probation Officers make between $35K and $60K a year and basically just sit around waiting for other people to check in with them. Property managers can make over $70K and in some states only on-the-job training is required to work as one. And by “work” I obviously mean sit in a club house and wait for someone to hand you a rent check. Um, sounds like a good deal to me?
Anyway, I had originally intended to do more research on the matter. however, on the next article that I stumbled upon entitled “25 well-paying jobs that people overlook”, next to the number four was “Accountant”.
Ugh. Fine.
For example, I was sitting in a cliché American food restaurant a few months ago staring into space, when I realized I was actually making direct eye contact with an enormous alligator. Because I live in America where it is common knowledge that if you walk into a O’Charley’s, Applebee’s, Chili’s, Bennigan’s, Max&Erma’s, TGI Friday’s, or any other restaurant of the like, the walls WILL be covered with random paraphernalia from who-knows-where-and-when, this really didn’t concern me so I simply mentally congratulated the alligator for winning our staring contest (a la Will Farrall as Robert Goulet, of course), and rejoined whatever social setting I was in.
But THEN, I snapped back to the alligator. I understood that the alligator was there because previous to its existence on the wall there had been a gap in the random shit about the size of an alligator, but it struck me that still someone had to be responsible for purchasing it, and deciding to go with an alligator and not a crocodile or even a toboggan for that matter.
Now, THIS was a job that I wanted. There had to be absolutely zero stress associated with being the person who chooses and purchases random shit to put on walls of new American food restaurants. First, you can buy ANYTHING you want – there are no requirements and how would you ever go over budget when all of it is completely junk? I can only assume the everyday trials and tribulations of the job go something like this:
“Oh, they didn’t have a toy tractor for that space over booth seven? It’s ok! I’ll just hang up a roller skate and a picture of someone’s grandpa holding a fish!”
or..
“See what I did there? That’s FOUR horseshoes over the bar. I put up three originally but I really think the little brass one adds a nice touch. It was ten cents extra at the flea market but I thought, ‘What the Hell, right?’”
The fact that there has to be someone that flies around the country prior to the openings of these places and determines that yes, when the lovely citizens of Cedar Falls, Iowa would love to have a canoe suspended over their heads when they enter Bennigan’s Store #418 infuriates me – not because I don’t see the odd purpose to this job, but because I’m angry that it never occurred to me as a possible career path. Is it too late to give back my accounting degree? ‘Cause I’m guessing that, to become a Random Wall Shit Procurer, you don’t have to pass four extremely difficult 3-4 hour exams, pass a bogus ethics course, and work for a year under another certified Random Wall Shit Procurer….
Ok, enough about that. This brings me to the next career I really wish I had considered before sitting through an 8 AM Accounting for Derivatives class for 6 weeks. Last night, I was watching American Idol and drinking a rather delicious 2009 Pinot Gris from Washington State called “BoomTown” with Tiffany, when I realized that the wine was not rather delicious at all, it was EXTREMELY delicious.
Obviously, I had to read the bottle further to figure out more information about this fairy juice. This is word-for-word what was written on BoomTown’s 2009 label:
“Listen and hear the heady rush of rhythm and a passionate back beat sounding loudly from the unique vineyards of Washington State. It’s our calling to capture the distinct movement of quality and pride inside every bottle and deliver an experience to savor. Can you taste it? This is Boomtown.”
WHAT? Last time I checked, grapes didn’t have passionate back beats. Is there a reggae band permanently stationed between vines 16 and 17 creating the “heady rush of rhythm” found in every bottle of Boomtown? Who writes this stuff?!?
The correct answer to that question is: Not me. But believe me, if I could make a living coming up with bull shit about drumming pinot grapes, I’d turn in my KPMG security badge right now.
Moving on…. About three weeks ago I was assigned to do a Q1 review of a corporation that sells colors to clothing and textile companies. They create new hues using a specific formula of dyes and chemicals and then sell both the formula and the dyes to customers. As this was my first time auditing a company such as this, I requested a tour of the facilities. To make a long story short, there was this room filled with racks and racks of little pieces of cloth in every color imaginable (and some I honestly hadn’t ever taken the time to imagine). There must have been at least ten thousand colors, and these were just the ones on hold for just two companies! Most importantly, every single color was NAMED. Someone had to come up with “Galapagos Tortoise Green”. That’s all I’m saying.
So this got me thinking, there must be infinitely many easy jobs that pay about as much and cause a fraction of the stress that my job does out there. So I did some research:
Probation Officers make between $35K and $60K a year and basically just sit around waiting for other people to check in with them. Property managers can make over $70K and in some states only on-the-job training is required to work as one. And by “work” I obviously mean sit in a club house and wait for someone to hand you a rent check. Um, sounds like a good deal to me?
Anyway, I had originally intended to do more research on the matter. however, on the next article that I stumbled upon entitled “25 well-paying jobs that people overlook”, next to the number four was “Accountant”.
Ugh. Fine.
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