SHARKS.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Ramblings
It is has bee a while since I have touched this blog, mainly because my CPA exam studying is over and I have actually regained some measure of fun in my life. Thus, procrastination in the form of venting has subsided. However, I wouldn't want both of my readers to think I forgot about them, so here are a few insights into the ridiculous life of Alison Dwyer to share with the internet world.
Let the countdown begin!
FIVE Random Thoughts:
- Why does the word "LISP" have an "S" in it? That is just cruel. By the time anyone with a lisp is done saying the word, we already know you have a lisp. Whoever came up with this term needs to go back to the drawing board, or Gary, Indiana.
- I always wonder what people are thinking when I see a purple or pink house. It should be a universal rule that you never paint your house your favorite color. Houses should be earthy tones like tan, sandstone, or brown. And if your favorite color is brown, then you need to reevaluate your tastes and preferences, and possibly your life.
- The saying that situations are only as awkward as you make them to be is crap. Some things are just awkward.
- For some reason salad bars always include some sort of pudding. Pudding is not salad, nor is anywhere near acceptable as the only dessert option.
- I've never understood someone waiting for six rings and then leaving messages just to say they called. 2010. Caller id. Mom.
FOUR Random Talents I Possess that Will NEVER Actually Help Me Achieve Success in the Real World:
- I can find a four leaf clover at will pretty much whenever I want. I have even found multiple five, six, seven, and eight leaf clovers in my day. I used to ride my pony around as a child, look down, hop off, pick the shamrock I found and continue on my way. I even found two four-leaf clovers today. This isn't normal, right?
- I can write a rhyming poem about anything in less than a minute. I once performed my "Ode to a Gopher" at a slam poetry performance in High School. I had written it earlier that day as joke for my friend. Please see Accounting Poems below...written in about five. This talent is so not useful. Well, unless I want to be a rapper. So...so not useful.
- I can solve Wheel of Fortune puzzles ridiculously quickly. I even solved one once without any letters on the board. There were witnesses.
- I can do the splits. But only to the left. Then again, anyone who attended a college party with me already knows this. I apologize to those people.
Three Phrases I LOVE:
- "Just Saying.": This serves as a qualifier for anything and justifies your inclusion of anything into a conversation. I wish Obama wasn't president, just saying.
- "Let's think about what’s really important here…": This is always followed by some really egocentrical concept that has neither anything to do with what your conversation counterpart was talking about nor any significance in their life whatsoever. It is usually either my birthday or Guinness's happiness. And let's be honest...that is really what is important here.
- "I get that a lot.": After any compliment. I'm sure this never gets old.
TWO Phrases I Would Rather Not Hear Again:
- "I'm Not Gonna Lie.": Oh, Goody! I thought you were going to lie. Thank god you are not.
- "But, If you think about it...": A preceding qualifier that's as pointless as it is condescending. Dude, I have a brain. I DID think about it. I just don't agree with you.
ONE Important Tool Everyone Should be Aware of:
- THE REJECTION HOTLINE: Find your state’s given number. Memorize it - Nothing hints that the number you are giving a creeper is not yours like looking it up on your own phone. Oh, and pray they don’t call you on the spot hoping to trade digits.
The website is as a follows: http://www.humorhotlines.com/hh-numbers.asp
And, here is a sample of the epic letdown: "The person who gave you this number did not want you to have their real number. Maybe you suffer from bad breath, body odor or even both. Maybe you just give off that creepy, overbearing, psycho-stalker vibe. Maybe the idea of going out with you just seems as appealing as playing leapfrog with unicorns."
Keep in mind, readers, this is meant for those creepers who either have a stellar sense of humor or just really deserve it. You know who you are.
Let the countdown begin!
FIVE Random Thoughts:
- Why does the word "LISP" have an "S" in it? That is just cruel. By the time anyone with a lisp is done saying the word, we already know you have a lisp. Whoever came up with this term needs to go back to the drawing board, or Gary, Indiana.
- I always wonder what people are thinking when I see a purple or pink house. It should be a universal rule that you never paint your house your favorite color. Houses should be earthy tones like tan, sandstone, or brown. And if your favorite color is brown, then you need to reevaluate your tastes and preferences, and possibly your life.
- The saying that situations are only as awkward as you make them to be is crap. Some things are just awkward.
- For some reason salad bars always include some sort of pudding. Pudding is not salad, nor is anywhere near acceptable as the only dessert option.
- I've never understood someone waiting for six rings and then leaving messages just to say they called. 2010. Caller id. Mom.
FOUR Random Talents I Possess that Will NEVER Actually Help Me Achieve Success in the Real World:
- I can find a four leaf clover at will pretty much whenever I want. I have even found multiple five, six, seven, and eight leaf clovers in my day. I used to ride my pony around as a child, look down, hop off, pick the shamrock I found and continue on my way. I even found two four-leaf clovers today. This isn't normal, right?
- I can write a rhyming poem about anything in less than a minute. I once performed my "Ode to a Gopher" at a slam poetry performance in High School. I had written it earlier that day as joke for my friend. Please see Accounting Poems below...written in about five. This talent is so not useful. Well, unless I want to be a rapper. So...so not useful.
- I can solve Wheel of Fortune puzzles ridiculously quickly. I even solved one once without any letters on the board. There were witnesses.
- I can do the splits. But only to the left. Then again, anyone who attended a college party with me already knows this. I apologize to those people.
Three Phrases I LOVE:
- "Just Saying.": This serves as a qualifier for anything and justifies your inclusion of anything into a conversation. I wish Obama wasn't president, just saying.
- "Let's think about what’s really important here…": This is always followed by some really egocentrical concept that has neither anything to do with what your conversation counterpart was talking about nor any significance in their life whatsoever. It is usually either my birthday or Guinness's happiness. And let's be honest...that is really what is important here.
- "I get that a lot.": After any compliment. I'm sure this never gets old.
TWO Phrases I Would Rather Not Hear Again:
- "I'm Not Gonna Lie.": Oh, Goody! I thought you were going to lie. Thank god you are not.
- "But, If you think about it...": A preceding qualifier that's as pointless as it is condescending. Dude, I have a brain. I DID think about it. I just don't agree with you.
ONE Important Tool Everyone Should be Aware of:
- THE REJECTION HOTLINE: Find your state’s given number. Memorize it - Nothing hints that the number you are giving a creeper is not yours like looking it up on your own phone. Oh, and pray they don’t call you on the spot hoping to trade digits.
The website is as a follows: http://www.humorhotlines.com/hh-numbers.asp
And, here is a sample of the epic letdown: "The person who gave you this number did not want you to have their real number. Maybe you suffer from bad breath, body odor or even both. Maybe you just give off that creepy, overbearing, psycho-stalker vibe. Maybe the idea of going out with you just seems as appealing as playing leapfrog with unicorns."
Keep in mind, readers, this is meant for those creepers who either have a stellar sense of humor or just really deserve it. You know who you are.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
