Standing in line at Lowe’s Foods the other day, I succumbed to two of the greatest forces present in a modern-day capitalist society: Pretty pictures and stuff for less than a dollar. The predator behind these forces was a display for Mini Blowpops; and I was an easy prey. I didn’t have a chance: Blowpops already are awesome. But these were miniature. BABY BLOWPOPS, and only eighty-eight cents. Done and done.
How could this concept be anything less than magical? I will tell you. The defining characteristic of Blowpops, besides their ability to teach children of hierarchies of both desired flavors and the individuals who choose them (watermelon, strawberry,…grape last; popular, jock,…dweeb last), is its happy surprise center of bubble gum reached after successfully licking through layer upon layer of tangy fruit goodness. It’s what separates the blowpop from its inferior counterparts like the tootsie-pop and the dum-dum, and also adds some support for the otherwise innuendo-teasing name “blowpop.” So, as these are Mini Blowpops that we are discussing here, it would make sense that although they ditched the traditional lollypop form for a bite-sized style, these pygmy versions would also share the essential bubble gum filling. They did not disappoint.
That is to say they did not disappoint anyone counting on chewing the 1/10 scale amount of gum contained within these sugary spheres. They did however, confuse and perturb anyone expecting to be able to get this little speck of goo out of their back molars or into any sort of chewing rhythm. Upon realizing the molecule of gum was a lost cause, I shifted my goal from chewing the nucleus of the mini blowpop to simply getting it out of my teeth. After a ninety-second battle, I succeeded - if you consider swallowing a few milligrams of gum a victory, anyway.
Maybe because of my hangover from the awesomeness of the miniature blowpop concept, or perhaps just because I am stubborn in nature, I was not yet finished with attempting to enjoy these little snacks. There had to be a way to rescue any remaining potential. My first thought was to eat four instead of one – that would equal four times the gum! Fail. Four times a grain of sand is still not much sand: Same concept here. Swallowed again. I was getting angry. The only solution was to consume the rest of the bag. After sifting through a mouthful of grape, sour apple, cherry, watermelon, and strawberry shards and their respective tid-bits of gum I was left with my prize: a small chewable wad about a third of the size of the product of a stick of Juicy Fruit. How disappointing. Not only was I exhausted, both in jaw and mind, but also I was reminded of how non-appetizing blowpop gum really was. It is pure sugar and hardens within seconds. Disappointment flooded over me. In the end I was left with nothing but the following cognitions:
I am 23. I cannot successfully consume or enjoy a Mini Blowpop. How is a member of the target audience, say a ten-year-old who does not have a college degree in economics, supposed to deal with this choking hazard?
How is this even a pop? The stick is gone.
What do Blowpops even do besides entertain your oral fixation for ten to twelve minutes and turn your mouth indigo?
Why even put the gum in the blowpop if it is going to taste like sticky tack mixed with Aspartame? It’s the equivalent of following a rainbow to find a pot of ChexMix with the crunchy biscuits and dark Chex already eaten out of it.
In conclusion: Do not be fooled by the mist of feigned awesomeness that surrounds the Mini Blowpop. It is all smoke and mirrors. Go back to the original, or even try a peach flavored dum-dum – its delicious! And whatever you do, don’t rush towards the center goal: with Blowpops, it’s all about enjoying the ride.
This post is dedicated to April Richmond, the second known victim to succumb to the disappointment that is Mini Blowpops.
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